I keep trying to write this post explaining my thoughts about why I would consider deleting the past four years, but it’s been so difficult not to not sound like a whiner. Let me see if I can do this without the Internal Editor.
Contentment. I’m not too good with all the verses telling us to be content with where we are, with what we have, who we are. I feel like I’m on a cyber surfboard on my little blogging wave. I’m doing okay. I’m in the water, the sun warm on my skin, the water salty on my lips. The surfboard so familiar to me now as I’ve been at this blogging gig for so long. My balance is good, it’s a nice rhythm.
But then I take my concentration off my own modest sized wave and look to the other surfers around me – their waves are so much bigger than mine. They are faster, bigger. People on the shoreline are impressed, clapping, pointing to her. I think to myself: Cool. I want to try riding those big waves.
Do you see where I’m going with this?
Contentment.
I’m just a mom. One step further in – I’m a homeschooling mom. My wave is scattered with a tween, a preschooler and two inbetween. It’s a day full of little people.
That mom over there on that other wave, she might have her kids in school or they’re older than mine or she only has one. Her wave is hers. That’s her blog. My wave, for what it is, a mix of family stories, homeschool reference points, book lust or just cyber goofiness, is mine.
But dang it, friends, I sure do want to catch that other wave. All those “Hey, Lord, what about me?” prayers.
So that’s where I am: struggling to learn contentment – seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever been good at it, even before blogkeeping.
***
Okay, I just reviewed what I wrote and this is the way I feel. I’m writing in my journal, that three ring notebook I keep next to the bed so I dont’ have to get out of bed to record thoughts (often, it’s the only quiet place in the house.) After breakfast… no, tween Susan cooked breakfast muffins, all I have to do is tidy up. After that, I’m going to type this up, tweak the paragraphs, and punctuation, but I’m not going to touch one word of it in order to save face. I may change the title. Right now it’s Confessions of a Christina Mommyblogger, but that sounds too sexy. Maybe some nod to surfing or contentment. Not sure yet.
So now you know why I questioned Monday as to the future survival of this blog. I don’t want to delete Paper Bridges. I want to write, post videos of my kids doing kidly things and continue to be me. But me better – content with what the Lord has given me.
Okay that’s all for now.
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Thank you for this honest confession. I understand where you are coming from….I’ve been there at times too. I am pleased that you are staying around, though….I like Paper Bridges just the way it is.
The grass always looks greener somewhere else … the problem is they still have to mow their lawn too. I used to want to be a big-time blogger and I had my notoriety for a moment. But, you know … that is such hard work. I am glad I got over it.
You have a very interesting and entertaining blog. I like it. I don’t read too many blogs … especially “mommy” blogs but I like yours. Your kids are cute and funny. You are intelligent and you have a nice mix of topics.
While I understand where you are and don’t want to nullify it or anything, I do want you to know you are doing just fine and what you have going on over here is honest and funny and interesting. It might not mean much when you are looking over the fence at those greener pastures, but you can take solace in the fact that you still have your life and don’t have to give it up to achieve the same success.
Angels last blog post..Double Woot!
[...] I’ve learned nothing new regarding finding contentment. Some days are better than others; I’m still looking outward at the physical. But we [...]