This is Part Two of To thrive again at home. If you are new here, you may want to read it first.
Let me tell you about my first boy…
The other day I was at my mom’s when she asked Peter, my nine-year-old, to read something. We were gathered in the living room, playing a game, having a good time goofing off together. Peter looked at that little paper slip held out to him, glanced at me sitting on the sofa across the room. His eyes void of all confidence.
“No, I won’t. Not with my mom in the room.”
Heart-broke home schooling mom, that’s me.
That flash into my boy’s heart was a real eye-opener.
Peter never has that look when talking to an adult, playing a video game or riding his bicycle. This is the child who always wants the WHY and HOW. This is the kid, who at the age of five, took the logical leap from knowing how his baby sister would come out of me, to how baby got in there in the first place.
He loves Story. Magic Tree House, The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, My Side of the Mountain, Story of the World – he listens to audio books for hours at a time. He takes apart the VCR to get it working again. He’s discovered the power of combining hammer and nails. There are chickens to chase, crayfish, snakes and turtles to catch in our creek. A bedroom over-populated with Legos. His knowledge about reptiles, birds and animals is impressive. He doesn’t watch Animal Planet, he absorbs it.
But reading? I’ve succeed in turning it into a battle zone. I’ve pushed too hard, too soon. His eyes told me all.
Okay, I admit it: I screwed up.
I should’ve backed off years ago, leaving him alone to play with letters and books, letting him come to reading in his own way and timetable. Alas, I’m an imperfect home schooling mom with an agenda. Not only am I a gung-ho home schooling mom, but I’m passionate about language and words. I love books, writing, anything that smacks of literary, I’m totally into it. I have a B.A. in English with a writing concentration; my own education is language rich; to have a late reader is… unnerving and somewhat scary.
Trusting Peter, trusting God
So how has this affected our home school life? When it comes to reading and traditional “school work,” I’m backing off, letting him absorb the world around him for now, letting him be a nine-year-old boy. Since May, since daily life became busy with travel and summer outdoor fun, I’ve asked nothing formally of Peter in regards to seat work (no math, reading or grammar).
What an amazing and fun age for a child!
Most importantly, at the heart of all this do-no-school-work-existence, is the quest to repair that mother/son relationship. I’m going to do that by letting him read what he wants, when he wants, with no demands from me. Right now as Peter’s mom, and as a Christ-following home schooling mom (that makes a huge difference, right?), I need to trust that this is the right road to travel.
That scared look from across the room? I never want to forget it. Peter – and really, the Lord – told me how I need to keep my eyes fixed on the personal needs of the child, not focused on a how-to-home school book I read years ago. I shouldn’t even be looking at the past success of a sibling.
Each child is unique. I’m thankful that the Lord reminded me in my mom’s living room that day.
A boy and a book
Last week a few of our chickens disappeared from the yard, a trail of feathers the evidence we have a chicken-hungry critter lurking nearby. Peter spent hours building a trap involving a cardboard box, string, bait and an impressive hole. When I asked him where he got the idea for such an elaborate trap, he just gave a nonchalant shrug.
“Oh, I found it in a book.”
Cool. In my mama heart, I’m rejoicing, but I’m not going to say a word to my boy… yet.
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Oh thank you! My 7 year old son is still not reading beyond very simple phonics readers. He is so smart and knows so much. I’ve got to be careful to stay relaxed and not push too hard. My oldest son was reading at 4, but then I made the mistake of pushing too hard with his schoolwork. So much that he really dislikes schoolwork. All in the name of making sure he was “challenged”. Sigh.
.-= Kristen´s last blog ..Hank the Cowdog =-.
Two of my kids arrived in America at age 9 and age 11, two years ago. They were excellent readers in Ethiopia but are just now starting to get better at reading in English. Thanks for the reminder to be patient…
Mary, mom to 10
.-= owlhaven´s last blog ..It must be August =-.
Mary, I’d love to hang at your house for the day! Such a wonderful life you all must enjoy with kids from around the world.
Kristen, thank YOU for letting me know it helped and encouraged. If I can point to a more gentle and loving way for home schooling moms to teach and guide their own, then it’s all worth it. Hugs to you as you also remember it’s the heart of the BOY not the pursuit of BOOKS that’s the reason we live this way.
Wonderful, honest post; love it! I too, have made similar mistakes and kinda glad I’m not the only imperfect homeschooling mom!
Thanks for sharing.
.-= @peahdotcom´s last blog ..Aug 10, Stress-free Math with ALEKS Online Homeschool Curriculum =-.
Oh, I can so relate! I have a late-reader son and, had it not been for him having a late-reader older sister, I probably would have turned it into the battle that it was when his sister was younger. Thankfully, I learned with her (the poor guinea pig oldest) not to do so. Even so, it is a scary thing for an avid reading, avid writing, language-rich mama. It’s so hard to sit back and allow our kids their own time and space sometimes.
.-= Kris @ Weird, Unsocialized Homeschoolers´s last blog ..Homeschool Showcase #29 =-.
Twitter: WriterMommy
It’s so hard to be patient, isn’t it?
I think you’re doing just what you need to be doing; once that fire for reading is sparked, there will be NO stopping him.
You homeschooling mamas are a brave, brave bunch.
.-= Marianne´s last blog ..A Writer Divided =-.
Yes! I’m NOT a patient person. Perhaps this is a spiritual discipline the Lord is teaching me via my boy. Hmmmm.
Wonderful post. I learned from my first child to let my second learn at his own pace. I was just telling my husband today that I’m not sure how Chris (#2) got to be such a good reader because I never really taught him. The secret was just as you said – when he was ready to learn to read, he set his mind to it and did it. I wish I could tell all moms of preschoolers who think they’ve got to have their kids in “school” to just lay off, don’t panic, have fun and let the kids choose the timing. Thanks!
.-= Cindy´s last blog ..The Great Conversation =-.
I’m about to start homeschooling my oldest, and since we often experience friction when I give a straight command, I am a little nervous. I found a great run-down of the different (basic) homeschool methods. It’s here: http://csthea.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/2009-quickstart-guide.pdf
It’s a very short read, and though I’ve heard about these different methods (and I’m sure you have too), it was nice to see them all explained succinctly in one place.
.-= Olivia´s last blog ..Magazines =-.
Wow, what a wonderful and uplifting post. Sometimes I think parenting is teaching us how to let go so they can grow into their own. My son is almost 9. Isn’t it funny how often we are plowing ahead with our own agenda that we sometimes get reminders from them? Mine came in the way of an art carnival we were attending when my son said, “Why do we have to walk so fast” *bop me on the head.* “Oh yeah, I need to slow down and enjoy the ride trusting he will come into his own in Gods time.
How often is it about asking for guidance of when God is calling you to be the academic teacher and when you are being called to be a mom. He’s lucky to be your son, and you are blessed to be his mother. Best to you!
.-= Kakie Fitzsimmons´s last blog ..Hey parents, teachers and caregivers! GREAT ideas to get kids moving =-.
I’m dealing with the same thing with my daughter. She’s a late reader, especially compared to my son. He read at 4. She is almost 7 and is just now getting it. I pushed a little too hard in the beginning too. I’m slowly learning how to sit back and let her learn at her own speed.
Your son sounds like a wonderful, inventive child! I love the idea for the trap!
That is cool! And so wonderful that you were able to realize what your son needed, despite all the internal and external pressures to “do school” a certain way.
Both my older girls have had similar troubles with language arts & math, and I know how hard it is to let go long enough to give them space. But the Mama heart does soar when you realize they’re reading for fun, or that they’ve figured out fractions for fun when all the teaching in the world wasn’t making it work two months ago!
Good on you both, for growing and loving.
Cheers!
Ruby
.-= Ruby in Montreal´s last blog ..The Carnival is Up!! =-.
I’m just going to smile…..=)
You’re doing fine
Congratulations on backing off. I know, from personal experience, that it is really hard to do. It truly teaches patience and you learn that you can’t force something on another person, least of all a child. I’m still learning it!
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I love this story–thanks so much for sharing
I love this!!! 100% love it. I too did some damage to the relationship between my son and me. He went to private and public schools until 7th grade and that made him reluctant to learn anything in a school-like way (and who can blame him). Then I started homeschooling him and bought all the wonderful, no awful, curriculum and thought it would be really easy to just give him assignments, lecture, make him take notes, and do all the worksheets for that book and quizzes and tests. WRONG! I made him miserable and myself miserable and I really felt that I was being the worst mom around.
He didn’t like to read out of the Bible with me. He wouldn’t pray with me in the room (I used to give him advice on his prayers, what was I thinking?) We cried. I obsessed. I read a wonderful article that made so much sense to me about how kids shouldn’t be burdened under that much pressure.
So, now we don’t unschool, but I lean that way more and more all the time. We do relaxed schooling. Very little testing, very little paper work, and using different ways to learn things. I believe now that conversations can be a great way to learn without pressure or grades or someone always correcting the other person. I see tests as almost evil and in my mind they should only be done to show that a person has the knowledge to do the job they want to do. I don’t think kids should be tested at all. When I do give him a test, I try to remember to tell him that I am doing this to help him know what the system will expect.
I still haven’t figured it all out, but my son said something very smart:
“I like learning, I just don’t like school.”