Paper Bridges » Women’s issues

Update on my friend

Monica Brand — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 12:57:14 +0000

All is well. I think.

Last night I had a chance to talk with my lovely friend. No, I didn’t’ have to drive up to her place to track her down like I thought I would have to do. Found her at our Wednesday church night.

I can’t remember the last time I was so excited to see anyone. It’s been ages since she’s been out to church during the week.

We talked. The first words out of my mouth: I love you. And I didn’t have to say any of the things I rehearsed in my head because she beat me to it. So no heated conversation, no denial, no anger. All tears happy ones.

This whole situation could have gotten ugly fast so I feel like I dodged a relationship-killing bullet with such a good outcome. But keep praying if you think of her. I know I will be. She knows she can’t drink, wants to stop this mistake before it turns into a mountain, yet the stresses remain in her life. I told her to call me or just show up at my house anytime, for whatever reason. She’s a grown up and I can’t put her in a time out, right?

She’s okay, but needs more healing and strength.

Thanks to everyone who offered advice.

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I have a friend

Monica Brand — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 20:22:12 +0000

She’s drinking.

Again.

And she shouldn’t be. She can’t.

Alcohol is her Kyptonite and she’s going to self destruct. Her marriage, her kids, homeschooling. Her faith. It can’t stand up to this burden. Already she is slipping away from me. Won’t call. Won’t message back on Facebook. Church attendance? Near zilch.

I’m part mad, part crushed. I love her. I want her to walk in victory, florish in her mothering, walk with Him, enjoying all the gifts she has to offer our community.

And you know what? I’m tired of watching people I care about – those believers I count on being there – fade away, overcome by the trappings of the world, falling prey to the wolves seeking to devour.

What should I do?

Does anyone have any advice for me? Should I confront her? Let her family handle it. Just let her go it alone.

Please don’t tell me to pray. I am praying. Like I said, I’m tired of watching friends self destruct.

Anyone?

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Heartbreaking

Monica Brand — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 19:46:09 +0000

Had an interesting conversation with a grandmother in McDonald’s today.

She’s helping raise her two granddaughters, and for the sake of their privacy, I won’t divulge more information. I will tell you that the mother is in rehab, her son is around, but apparently he needs help with two lively young children – understandably. Thank God he has a mother willing and able to help.

We got to talking about homeschooling. How it works, what it is and isn’t. Eventually landing on the topic of her grandchildren and their absent mother.

Unfortunately, I’ve heard her story before. Emotionally and physically absent mother due to drugs.

Heartbreaking.

For all involved.

Especially those children.

Mothers, there is probably nothing I could say that would motive you to give up your addiction. I mean, it’s a real problem. I feel for you. I don’t mean to stand in judgment, but still. . .

You are picking a drug/s over your child.

Heartbreaking.

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History in New Jersey : a list for exploring

Monica Brand — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 19:15:22 +0000

For my New Jersey readers: I found this this wonderful list of history sites in New Jersey. This is a great time of year to explore all our state has to offer us in terms of living history and historical sites.

And we don’t have to travel far; only battle (oh, a history pun!) against the traffic.

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Boys, girls and an electric drill

Monica Brand — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 15:41:50 +0000

As a mother, I’m always vigilant for these situations. This is a story from last night’s 4H meeting. Birding club.

I had three of my kids with me, my boys, 10 and 7, and my eldest girl, 12 years old next week. The night’s project was making bird feeders. A dad passed out the supplies: wood pieces, screws, metal sheeting for the roof and demonstrated how to put it together. Simple construction, easy.

The dad had two electric power drills, one by-hand screwdriver. Ten kids waited patiently.

“Why don’t you help her?” Dad said to his son, a boy well versed in power drill. The boy had just finished using it on his own bird feeder. He picked up the screw and began drilling into my daughter’s bird feeder to attach the base.

My daughter watched.

On the other side of the room, another boy, another girl, same scene.

She said nothing, watching as he began to work on her bird feeder project.

I know how to use tools. I’ve used electric saws, table saws, lathes, jigsaws. I took wood shop in 7th grade when it was required. I took wood shop as an elective in high school. I built ramshackle forts in my backyard. I built a skateboard out of old metal wheels and rough wood. I came home in tears from freshman year wood shop due to the caustic remarks from the male teacher. I never took wood shop again.

My daughter is not me. As far as I can tell, she is not interested in carpentry, power drills or building with scraps of wood. She’s more rubber spatula, cake pans and flour. But this was an easy project. All you had to do was screw straight down four times; plus I think everyone should try a tool when given the opportunity.

Make no mistake – I made sure I was gentle, yet firm.

“Wait a minute. That’s her bird feeder.”

“Excuse me. That’s her project. Let her do it.”

I had to repeat myself several times, my voice raised a bit louder each time. Eventually those boys gave way and the girls used the drills by themselves.

Moms, encourage your daughters to try the new, the unfamiliar.

Tell your sons: help doesn’t mean you do it for a girl. Show her, demonstrate. Then hand the tool to her.

Speak up for your girl so she has a turn to try.

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If I was your true friend

Monica Brand — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 14:34:06 +0000

I’d be asking you those tough questions. You already know the questions. The ones that we ponder in our hearts and we want so desperately to ask, but we are afraid of hurt feelings or overstepping into that private place that says Do Not Enter or Keep Out. These are the most important questions, yet we hesitate. I am guilty of remaining silent far too often only because I fear the response. Those sign posts again.

If I was your true friend, then I would ask you:

How is your spiritual life?

Are you praying? Reading your Bible?

How can I pray for you today?

What are your struggles? Hopes? Dreams?

Past friendships never heard me ask those questions, when I knew I was supposed to ask them. Now I see these women struggling, drifting away, falling into a place I’m sure they never dreamed they would go. I stand at the shoreline of our friendship and they have drifted so far away. I wonder if they are happy. I am not happy for them.

Slowly I am learning to cast aside the fear, to speak up. To run after another crying girlfriend who just walked out the church door.

If we were friends away from the confinements of this cyberworld, then I would be having you here for dinner or coffee. I’d have your kids play with my kids, especially on a day when you needed a break because raising kids, especially if you homeschool and are with your kids more than usual, is exhausting work. Our husbands could hang out by the grill, we ladies would no doubt be in the kitchen. I’ll wash, if you dry. We would laugh together, cry together.

I hope you would answer the tough, difficult questions with honesty because if we are truly friends, then we shouldn’t have to fear.

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I do my best thinking when I clean

Monica Brand — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 16:08:55 +0000

And my mind can go on auto pilot allowing the thought process to drift and dig deep. These are thoughts that came to the surface as I scrubbed the bathtub this morning:

Why am I the way that I am? What motivates me to think the way I do?

. . . when my grandfather gave my brother those extra quarters because “He’s the boy and older.”

. . . when the county parks department didn’t give me that job I wanted my Senior year to maintain hiking trails because they didn’t think a “girl would want it.”

. . . when a male peer called me a “feminist” at our college and Career fellowship meeting because I believed women could serve as pastors.

. . . when I prayed my first baby would be a girl, so she would have the experience to be the eldest sibling.

As I sit here now typing this, I realize why I started pondering these memories.

I was thinking why I read the books I chose to read, the books that motivate me to run to the keyboard and write. These books by women, for women, to encourage women, to strengthen women. I can see how my life experiences have shaped what I chose to read, what causes and charities make my heart beat a bit faster, and what types of women I befriend.

I don’t think for a minute that my life and what I’ve experienced as a girl or woman has been an accident. I believe it’s all part of a master plan, designed by a Master Creator, to use me right where I am, right now. As a woman.

And I’m thinking now I would never wish any of it away. Those times I felt anger, bitter or helpless – no longer part of me. I forgave a long time ago. I am thankful for a powerful God who gave me the ability to do so. Without Him, I’m not sure I’d be able to let the bitterness go.

I think about what I’ll be doing when my kids are grown and I’m no longer homeschooling, mothering so intensely. I wonder how it all will come together and the things I’ll find to do. How I will help.

I would never trade any of it for it makes me who I am.

~ Monica

Welcome, friends, visiting for Mingle Monday. I am glad you are here.

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Women’s retreat, Blue Mountain, PA (June 2010): reactions, reflections

Monica Brand — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 02:37:40 +0000

Two days home now. Here is what I’m thinking:

I ate too much. I’m afraid to get on the scale.

I know in my head that if you gather a group of women together, the odds are good you will find victims of abuse and neglect. At the retreat, I heard several of these stories from those in our group. My heart had a harder time accepting it; I was shocked, angry, and now I’m just sad for what these ladies had to endure.

It’s fun to act silly.

Gwen Mouliert is quite funny. Better yet, she knows her Bible.

Girls suffer at the hands of women too. Negligent mothers, take note.

I have great talent for eating Doritos.

As a girl and grown woman, I have suffered little compared to some of my sisters-in-Christ.

I love my friends.

I like sleeping on the top bunk in my sleeping bag.

I prefer less air conditioning.

We serve a powerful, loving God who heals the brokenhearted. Thanks be to God!

Three hundred women singing It is Well (With My Soul) is beautiful.

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The new Miley Cyrus. I’m not surprised.

Monica Brand — Thu, 06 May 2010 12:06:07 +0000

Yo, Moms. Just so you know:

Miley Cyrus is no longer age appropriate for your preteen daughter.

That didn’t take long.

Bummer.

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Yet more thoughts on contentment

Monica Brand — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 17:20:49 +0000

Thanks for the encouraging words this week, friends. It’s nice fantastic that so many of you would miss my contribution to the blogosphere if I were to drop out. Thank you.

I’ve been thinking more about it and here’s what I’ve come up with: my problem isn’t blog influence, it’s me and mothering (Or mothering and I? Umm. Not sure.)

My youngest daughter has a friend who calls me, “Lucy’s mommy.” Never Mrs. Brand or Mrs. B like I tell her to when she comes to play. It was cute at first, very preschooler speak, but the more it continues, the more it makes me want to grind my teeth. Future play dates hang in the balance because of it.

Why does it irritate me so much to be labeled by an innocent 4-year-old?

Then there was the time our Pastor referred to a woman like me as a housewife.

Again: why am I so freaked out by another label given with the best intentions.

I don’t write much here about my previous life, my existence before kiddos and homeschooling. BC (Before Children), I was a newspaper reporter and traveled to the other side of the world. I met a slew of interesting people. Nowadays, I hang out with all these people much shorter than I who all require various degrees of daily care.

Patience, Monica. They are only young for a moment, really. Then they are grown and gone.

I know it.

My head does anyway.

My heart?

Guess not.

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Interconnected

Monica Brand — Sat, 02 May 2009 12:45:17 +0000

First we have this coming up on May 7.

Which goes beautifully with this list.

And if that’s not enough of a Bucket List for the believer, you can add a Number 51 – check this out.

Don’t you love it when bloggers are mysterious in their links?

Trust me, it’s all good.

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I can’t think of a title for this post

Monica Brand — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 18:53:58 +0000

Because no matter what I write, it will not be adequate to describe the horrors these women and children must experience. May God forgive us if we stand by and do nothing.

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No-frills links

Monica Brand — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 04:16:53 +0000

From my reader to you. Links of interest and deserving your attention.

Warning to parents: Sex trade predators are looking for your children (this article specificly looks at Houston, Texas)

A Good Friday 30 years in the making

Help children with HIV/AIDS in Sub-Saharan Africa

Global problem, local solution

In memory of Madeline Alice Spohr

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No-frills list o’ links

Monica Brand — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 01:46:37 +0000

After a hiatus, I’m back to doing a once weekly list of links. It’s simple, I post the link, you click over or not. Read… if you dare. Warning: you may be feel emotions ranging from extreme anger to waves of sadness. Unless you’re heartless or dead. Do dead folk read blogs?

Libbie Loves: Pride and Prejudice to hope and freedom

Trafficking a money-maker: South Africa: News24

Feminist Peace Network: UNIFEM: increased incidences of sexual and domesitc violence reported in Gaza

Rights groups say child sex abuse rampant in tourism industry

Plus more in my Google reader – click here to check it out.

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A Woman Inspired price discount and (wow!) my video

Monica Brand — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 15:56:57 +0000

First of all…

My little rambling-thoughts video about my mom and her story has been selected for display at the A Woman Inspired conference website. Go, me!

Seriously, what an honor that goofy me could make a video that speaks into the hearts of women. This is exactly the kind of blogging I want to do. *content, happy sigh* There are other videos posted as well; go check them out and leave a comment.

And… until April 1 (no joke!) the registration fee is only $12.95. I wish the conference was today, I can’t wait to get started. *more sighing*

Update: They are still accepting video submissions, and it looks like ALL will be posted at the AWI website. Don’t be shy, girls! If I can make a video, and not turn out as a dweeb, you can too.

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Heartbreaking

Monica Brand — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 12:13:55 +0000

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I am a woman inspired

Monica Brand — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 01:42:02 +0000

That was fun! It only took 25 times, with a slight editing tweak, to not sound like a complete doofus. (I think in the final cut, I sound only slightly goofy.) There’s nothing like putting your personality onto YouTube for all of cyberspace to see.

I made this little tribute to my mom for the A Woman Inspired conference.

The A Woman Inspired conference is different than your regular conference – it’s online, a treat for those of us seeking to meet other like-minded women, but without leaving home. And it’s affordable! (I think I literally sighed with relief when I found the website. A few of the speakers are women I “know” via blogs and the Internet, so I’m tickled to be able to virtually rub shoulders with them. They inspire me too!)

Check out the web conference and I hope to “see” you there.

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Understanding the choices of Nadya Suleman

Monica Brand — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 21:45:10 +0000

My first reaction to hearing about Nadya Suleman and her eight babies: America is great! This is a country where if you have the cash, then there is a doctor waiting to make it happen. (No, I’m not particularly proud I tend to lean toward sarcasm; I’m working on improving in that area.)

So why did Nadya Suleman, reportedly an unemployed, disabled, mother of six, living with her parents, decide to add to her baby collection family?

I’m thinking-

Greed. As in: Why stop at six when I can have more?

Loneliness. As in: I want someone to love me. My babies will always love me, if I have lots of babies, I’ll have more love in my life.

And this last one I haven’t seen anyone suggest yet-

Because she loves kids.

Nah, that can’t be it. Nobody in their right mind would want to have more than six children or risk having another set of large multiples.

Don’t read me wrong, friends. I’m not saying she should’ve aborted any of those babies. I just wish she hadn’t succumbed to the I-want-it-now American way of thinking. There are so many ways for a single woman to enjoy the blessings of children without having to undergo medical treatments or attempt to raise such a large brood without a daddy, money or job.

Volunteering. Helping at church. Girl Scouts. Big Sister program. You get the idea.

As for the doctor who made all these babies possible, shame on him if all he cared about was the money he would make from this.

Nadya, motherhood is a fantastic adventure, but it’s not going to ultimately satisfy. My kitchen is always open to you. I’d put the coffee pot on and we could swap stories of spit up and exploding diapers. Nadya, I’d love to introduce you to the One who can satisfy the longing in your heart, the One who can fulfill your quest for love. Jesus Christ is the One you need.

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The kind of friend and mother I want to be

Monica Brand — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 14:00:21 +0000

It’s obvious this video is about friendship. The loyal, loving relationship between two unlikely creatures. I was going to share how this is the kind of friend I want to be, but the more I think about it, I realize it’s not only about being a good friend.

It’s also about mothering.

There is a part in this video when it’s clear how the much larger, physically dominate one could crush the other, yet does not. I think about how in my own life, when I could’ve chosen gentleness and compassion, yet I spiritually, mentally squashed the weaker one, my own little one due to anger, frustration and that ugliness within we call sin.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but I will, if it helps another mother.

May we as mothers withhold the ability to crush those we love.

HT: a homeschooling mom and friend without a blog for linking, or I would.

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The friendships of women

Monica Brand — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 13:38:38 +0000

Friendship is a reoccurring theme with me.

I have this post. And this. All about how we need each other, especially those of us home with our children day-after-day.

We need to lift each other up. Encourage and love.

That’s what this video is about, the need we have for each other. And the power in true friendship.

Watch it, then go be a good friend.

Mom’s night out
Kabul Beauty School by Deborah Rodriguez

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